


Green Haze

by yaelstiel



Series: Green [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, DeanCas - Freeform, Gen, M/M, Speculation, season 9 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 06:17:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1418118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yaelstiel/pseuds/yaelstiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once there was a pair of the most beautiful blue eyes...</p><p> </p><p>There is nothing now. Only shattered fragments of what was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Green Haze

Once there was a pair of the most beautiful blue eyes.

Once, that body was inhabited by the most wonderful being to ever walk the earth.

Once, those hands meant comfort, trust, anger, hurt, love.

Once, those lips meant wisdom, doubt, reassurance, need.

Once, that angel lying down beside him meant  hope, future, possibility 

Now, he knows Cas meant  even more, if such a thing were even possible.  

There is nothing now. Only shattered fragments of what was.

 

He tries to call him. Reach out to him. He holds Cas' hand with one hand, his other trailing over his angel lips. There is no movement.. silence.

_This wasn't supposed to happen. That is supposed to be me. Not you._

_Not a childlike angel anymore, but so much more than that, you should have known better, you should have known that it is me who is better off dead._

He reaches closely, his lips parted, he breathes. He can barely take the pain, yet he can't keep his eyes off Cas. He just sits there, hands trailing, face, eyelids, cheekbones, and lips… those lips he has craved so much, so deeply. He touches them again,

_Will this be the last time? Is it possible to have a last time, when there has never been a first?_

His fingers tail to the collarbone, right beside the cut. He touches there, hoping.

_I love you, I said, you stupid stupid angel. I said I love you !_

He wants to scream.

_I love you._

_I LOVE YOU._

Can you hear me?

 Why don’t you ever answer when I call?

\--

The last thing he remembers is a certain color, some powerful sensations, but mostly color. Green

 The next thing he knew was falling.

Now he isn't sure. There are colors, very many colors, it feels like freedom, yet this freedom is unreachable. He tries to move a limb, when he realizes there is nothing there. He is nothing, or is he everything, everywhere ?

He tries to regain awareness of who he was before, what he was, that takes too much effort, but he has to.

_Where am I? Why am I here? Who am I?_

There something that's trying to reach toward him , something echoing in his mind over and over and over, but he can't recognize the meaning of this. _Love. What does that even mean, and where is it coming from?_

_What was the last thing he did?_

The colors around him dissolve into a million shades of green. And somehow he feels home, somehow in this haze of colors he feels warm

\--

 _Dammit Cas,_ he tries to say something, but he can't. Hearing his own voice is hard enough. He will not, he will not. Everything he has done these past few months was his fault.  He can't face this right now. He wishes for oblivion. He wants to die.

He breaks.

Eyes watering, lips over his angel’s closed eyes.

_I am so sorry Cas, I am so sorry._

He wants to express more than that. But he knows words won't cover anything, words are wind, or are they  the oxygen his lungs craves so much?

His lip trails to Catiel's mouth. He breathes.

\--

The green haze is warm, all those shades, and most of them are hidden from the human eye. But he can see them. Green.  The color of freedom, hurt, loyalty, love .

And there is something hot on his lips, something barely touching, but hot. He tries to feel it, to reach out, to see, to taste.

There is nothing. He is nothing, and he is everything .

\--

He rises his head, trying to breathe again.

 His hands are all over Cas' body, he doesn't even know how they got there. They are moving of their own will. From the angel's head, down toward his shoulders, over his hands, his lover’s hands, those hands, those hands that had tried to reach out to him. He turns them over, tracing the palm lines, bending to plant a kiss over the wrist, he breaks again. He crushes his head on Cas' chest, one hand still tracing his lover’s  heart lines, the other lying on his waist,  in that line where the shirt ends, his hand slides gently in between the rough fabric of Cas’ shirt and the smooth curve of his body, and he let go of a sob .

\--

There is something very comfortable, almost luring. He is surrounded by feelings,  a more  intense experience than he ever had  during that human period  in his past.

_Am I human?_

He sees many lights, but they are far away, trying to talk to him. Their language is incomprehensible, it sounds like many voices at once, but he can't understand any of it. Instead, there is one sentence  that keeps coming back to him. _I said I love you. I love you. i love_   _you._

Who is this , what does it mean? Yet, this voice make him feel .  this voice makes him want. He watches the lights again, slowly departing, going away, there is something broken there, a connection severed but they seem to be united.

They were all similar to  him, yet completely different.

He used to know them , talk to them,  be one of them . Now it seems like they have stopped talking to him.  Departing. Saying goodbye.

It comes to him then.

He  has fallen.

They were his siblings, they are saying goodbye.

And all the green.

That green.

Suddenly he wants to go back.

\--

He lies there, unmoving, listening to a deafening silence. Sam tried to reach him, to tell him something. But he dismissed him. _I can't face you now, Sammy, not after everything I have done._ But he couldn't say any of it. And he is grateful Sam got out of there. Leaving him alone. Grieving. _Am I grieving the continuance ofmy existence , or the loss of his?_

There was a heartbeat, then another. He straightens  up too quickly he could see stars. Was It a heartbeat?

\--

He knew that color suddenly. He knew that voice.

It all came together, the human in his charge he has gotten too close to.

The colors around him dissolve into the shade of his friend’s eyes, those eyes that were everything in times when there was nothing to hold on to. His anchor. His betrayer, his lover,

\--

Another heartbeat, and a movement. Dean leans in closely. _Please come back, Cas, I need you, hell, I love you._

_\--_

He can't hear the words anymore, he can't see anything.

Everything around him is pain. There is a throbbing sensation in his neck. But he find comfort in having a solid form again.

Through the pain, the last memories of his old self  are coming back to his new mind, but they look different. Somehow more painful than he expected.

He opened his eyes.

\--

And the green ones meet the blue pair. And there was nothing Dean could say to make it right. He sat there , looking at his lover. There is a lump in his throat and he can't talk. He can barely breathe.

\--

Love, was the last word he heard before he opened his eyes. He remembers that. But he can't hear it now, not with his new senses.

\--

"Cas, I…"

He is trying, but nothing will come out. His eyes still fixed on Castiel’s  blue pair. Those eyes mean everything to him. _Will you ever forgive me? Will you ever love me again?_

\--

He can’t t hear his friend's thoughts, but Dean's eyes are full of pain, regret, fear. He remembers the last time he looked at them, but now there is no anger. There is some new tenderness in those eyes, or is it just new to him?

He knows Dean, he suddenly knows what those eyes want to say.

"I know, Dean. I know"

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the lovely and talented Sleepsintheimpala for bata-ing the second time. I love your notes, you inspire me to be better :)


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